before I was small. unproven. a tight ball of vast ocean wound up. an innocent. a would-be murderer. very opinionated. very weak. unbelievably strong.
before I was certain, assured. I saw the point in the distance and I moved toward it with an unstoppable flow. the mountains came closer. the sky tumbled at my feet. my insides opened and closed freely, and at my will. I would sit, quietly, for hours at a time. my skin embraced and absorbed the cool and the heat like a chameleon.
before I would sweat when appropriate, smelled of honey or sweet spice, mint or cardamom. slept with the sun if I wanted. cavorted under the moon as I saw fit. before I was one body, one mind, one savior and saint. one human being not doing. one human being creating the whole world. I was free, so I thought, to come and to go. I watched fall and summer and spring go by. I never saw the mother bird in her nest.
now? I am weak. unbuckled and laid open by love. fumbling. stuttering. losing my words. growing my hair. unshaved. I stink. the moments of silence are few and far apart. this morning, this darkness, is full of possibility. a fruit I have ripened and gone bad on the vine. with no one to pick me I rot in the dirt. I feed the dirt. I give myself back to the earth. I am pregnant with the whole world inside me. I am time itself, again. I am whole in my before and now. I am there. I am here. I am a star inside a star. a dream within a painting. a shelter within a downpour.
