Monday, January 3, 2011
[after]
oh, the timing. and the mining of time. the gold of the moment hidden, running on dirt before dawn. sounds of a house. dust and doors closing. fresh air, cold skin. bitter morning. dark cup. warm water. everyone in this house, even the chihuahua, is coughing. warmed feet on hard tile. shall we use the big pan or the small one? what's clean? dirty? dry? wet. the duality of thought, the reality of what's in-between. the space before the space where thought takes form, where words emerge from images, feeling, sensory input. my own eyes. amber brown. eyes like lamps, lids for boxes. well, i can see you got your brand new leopardskin pillbox hat. imagine that. fancy for a mommy who doesn't even wash her hair. fancy for plain. dressed up and nowhere to go. the simple pleasure of the living room dance club. living for my son's morning smile. not wholeheartedly given today. and that's okay. i can take the after as well as the before. the laughter and the chore chart. my heart, an open wound. my heart, some arms extended. my heart, never to lose and never to return to its original clean slate.
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After the holidays. After the new year. After the relatives have left. After the husband has returned to work. An empty house, silent while the baby sleeps, until of course I turn on the TV for a guilty pleasure I'm finally free to watch again without judgment or commentary from company. Finally time to reflect, relax, and fall back into my role as a SAHM. While I miss the company, I am remembering and loving the solitude and having complete control of my day again (well, as much control as you can have while chasing down a 14-month old). And I finally have time to think back on 2010 and look forward to the uncertainty, and hope, that 2011 brings.
ReplyDeleteLovely! Hopefully you're watching "The Bachelor." Hope and uncertainty=yes.
ReplyDelete[After] Afternoon. After hours. Afterburner. After those words, I look for relevance, meaning, narrative, organization. The narrative never seemed so important until now. Before the baby the goals were always “after I go to school”, “after I get a raise”, “after I get my degree”, “after my husband gets a job.” Now, I see that my life of “afters” has occurred, has been created. It’s my job to weave the quilt of my peripatetic existence to create a coherent narrative. It’s my responsibility (as mommy, as a human being) to create a recognizable definition of existence, or at least translate or elucidate my version, my experience of being. And, after this, does my existence change? Am I who I am because of who I’ve been or who I try to piece together while sewing the raw edges of my history and future? And after that? Who will I be? Who am I? And when am I going to go on that aborted trip to India? It was supposed to happen AFTER I finished school, and then the baby announced her presence in our lives. Now, India has to happen AFTER she’s old enough. How old is old enough? At this point, I’ll take any trip any where just to know that we’re not stuck, that we can move and be and experience new things and grow. I feel like “after” in this context is starting to mean “later”, and later is too late. I haven’t done enough, and I blame that on AFTER. And no one likes a complainer, especially me. So, I’m done. There’s no more “after” there is only now, and it’s time to seize that. We’ve all experienced it, putting something into motion and seeing it take off. And then we wonder, “Did I really mean to put that into motion?” Yes. And it needs to be dealt with rather than boxed up on the shelf for later. New resolution, finish what you start and value the process, not what comes AFTER.
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