Monday, October 26, 2009
Dark darkness
When my 9 year old son goes into his funky funks, brought on by low blood sugar or an injustice served or fatigue or some such, we call it his dark darkness. Sometimes he goes there and we understand and we let him go there and it's all good and he's just feeling the feelings and he sits in it until he comes out of it. Other times though we're kind of pissed at his dark darkness and we get mad for him being mad (yes, I've talked about this in various sessions and yes I'm mostly done with it but you know we can't always do it right). So we call him on it and we say, HEY! You're going to the dark side too fast on this one. We actually say it just like that. And he stews and furrows his brow and gets more dark and we might even go back and forth we me trying to rationalize him out of it (as if that could actually happen when he's in the dark darkness). And we either get into a bit of a tiff, yelling, or just a bad, bad exchange of words all together and eventually then, after this ridiculousness on my part, I usually walk away leaving him to feel his feelings and return to us when he desires. And then I wonder why the hell couldn't I have just done this in the first place? Walked away and let him feel the feelings. Even if his feelings seemed to me to be out of sync with the events. As if I was the one in charge of feelings around here. As if I could protect people from the dark darkness. As if I had some kind of magical powers to keep my little people from feeling anything too bad. Or at least from taking it out on me.
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I was hoping that we would pass this at age 2. And then at age 3. But now that I have a 3-year-old to inform dealings with the 2-year-old, I realize that at 42 I can relate quite well to the darkness and maybe this is just a human thing. Jane Nelson has the right idea--give a hug, take a shower, walk away, use your words--just make sure the emotion can happen safely. We learned the tern "green stick fracture" when an arm accidentally collided with the steel tub when 3 was 2 and 42 was 41 and (40 was 39). They have pink casts for the bones but the darkness still comes and goes. I was going to curse the chocolate cake that came home for $3.99, was tried, shelved, saved for siter's visit, forgotten, shelved again and then pulled out on impulse for the last person that needed it, the purchaser, when the whole point was sharing. I am running out of time on New Year's resolutions but one should certainly be remembering to give away something as deadly as cake before the expiration date.
ReplyDeleteWhy do I suck so much at weathering my 4 year old's excessive emotions. See, me too, I just said excessive. Why do I say she's excessive. It certainly feels excessive. It certainly feels like my head is going to explode every day all day long as her emotions roll and roll and roll with a scream, a tear, a slammed door, a "You don't love me" and so many more things. See, right now, just recounting these things that happen all day long I feel like I'm going to throw up. My cup is about a quarter full right now, and that's better than it's been lately. There's a lump in my breast, a rash and an ear infection that won't go away on my baby, and a 4 year old who keeps throwing my cup against the wall, seemingly to watch it shatter. I'm supposed to be investing in me, too, right? I'm supposed to be launching this tiny little business soon, right? How the hell is that going to happen when I spend my days taking "breaths." My life is perpetual pause with no feelings of reprieve.
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