Saturday, August 25, 2012
[present]
not the past nor the future but the, you know, present.
it's a gift to be present. and simple. tis a gift. tis a gift to be present to yourself, your kids, your lover, your life. open me up like a present, like a ring around the rose is a rose is a rose is a ring. round. i spin round, i spring forth, i present myself! i am god's gift. i am the future. i was the past. i'm now. i'm never. it's now. or never. please present yourself accordingly, and don't forget to wipe your feet.
she is thin paper shatterproof glass criss-cross applesauce infinite gesture. a wing, a warp, a woof, a rooftop pedigree, manicured lawn, pedicured feet. precious. a present. all dew and done. lotus-like, false lashes, black thick lash load. precious tears on dewy cheeks. bones like barricades, lids like shutters, mouth a ripe fig a rose.
my boy so in the now, the present perfect intense. who kicks it tears it up apart. rips it all open and hands it back to me, my heart. the jewel in the box, the diamond in the flowerbed, the sleeping bud under the earth. under the water. bad robot presents: lost. so lost in the now, she's fine.
be here now. be peace now. be peace.
i'm here now. i was here, and then i wasn't. some people are gone. some couldn't be present. they had previous engagements, rings to run, cycles to spin, clouds to touch, songs to swell in their throats.
enigmatic, present. the day. it burned like any other day in my mind. vast relief. sigh. want. wish. wish you were here. present. among us. with me. beside me. near.
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Present, not in the past. Not in the past. Leave it behind. No more lurking. No more wishing or wanting or waiting at bars or in cars. No more thinking of legs all akimbo. Old passions. Old desires. Present. Here Now. Generosity of Heart. Full. Abundant. Amplitude. Plenty. Being Present is generous, but not the "oh, you owe me. O...No." The part where we give because we can, because we want to. No doors left open waiting for someone to enter it. We enter ourselves, here. Right where we stand. Asking nothing. Nothing. Empty Hands. God loves empty hands. A quote from somewhere I once heard. Being. Beingness. present. Standing with empty hands, heart wide open. Trusting yourself and the universe as you fling yourself (quietly?) at the gate to your own surrender. Weapons down. Armor dropped. But I cling to it. The Past. I weep over it. The Future. And then one eyelid at a time, I lift them up to stare into the eyes of my beloveds and I remember myself. I remember that they are my NOW , they deserve all of my RIGHT NOW. Not the mama or wife I want to be. Not the person I think I used to me. The present me. Present. Imperfect. But full of love, full of giving. Generous. Jumping the void. Pockets turned out. Back here. Right where I belong. Empty and yet so Full.
ReplyDeleteSilence. The chimes ring outside, hot tea in my cup and baby monitor in my lap. The house is silent. Not quite. I hear Layla. I hear the chimes and the cracks of the house settling.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is a cup of hot tea. Steeping, sleeping, wide awake, alert, ready? Here I go. Here we are. Here I am. I was there and now I am here.
I am here but where is here? Who was I? Where am I? Where am I going and who will I become? For now, for today, just for today, I am she and I am and will forever be Keyhan's Mom.
The tea is still hot. In my cup. The cup is not though. My cup is not hot, just the tea. The house is still silent and the monitor is still beside me. Sleeping baby. Sleeping husband. Sleeping dog?
Where am I? Who am I tonight?
Right now, she rests inside me but she's looking out through my heart.
Tonight, I am She. I am me but really I am She.
Tonight.
Silence, the house is silent and I drink my tea.
Love.love.love
ReplyDeletei am overwhelmed by this writing. it is making me cry and want to open my heart and hide from what's in my head while embracing what's in my head. I love this. thank you, it's beautiful. this present.
ReplyDelete